Thursday, December 04, 2008

I feel like a new woman.

Mostly. The meds are doing a fabulous job. I feel almost like myself again. OF COURSE the is plenty for me to be jumpy about, like our ridiculously high electric bill and the rolling snowball of Advent and the Terrible, Terrible, Terrible About-to-be-Threes.

And of course, David is still dead, and please let me remind us all that THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT, all this crazy with the heart palpatations and the headaches and the not walking to from the kitchen to the bathroom without the phone reciever so I can call 911 in case I have a heart attack while washing my hands.

David, I wish you were here.

I would only punch you once, I swear.

2 comments:

Lucy said...

Bets,

Glad to hear you're better. If what you're having falls into the realm of panic attacks, I'm with you, sister. I've had them for six years. Meds are a wonderful thing. So is yoga. It will get better!

Lucy

Bets said...

Yes, 'panic attack' was one of the phrases Dr. K used. I wouldn't have recognized them as such...but I've been spending a significant percentage of every day saying to myself, and occasionally to Eric: "Humpph. I'm short of breath. Do you think this qualifies as short of breath? Ah, I'm sure it's nothing. Wait - is my heart beating fast? Too fast?" Plus I started having these weird dizzy spells.

Charming. It was happening mostly in the evening, when I was finished with work and Ian was in bed... eventually this frightened me so much that I forced myself to go to the doctor. And apologized for wasting his time.

I have elevated blood pressure, but he can't tell if that's from the anxiety, or if the anxiety is exacerbated by the bp.

I have struggled with clinical depression in the past; it seems that, in the last 10 years, my brain has re-routed those same chemicals from sadness into agitation. But it has never been *anything* like this before. So yay drugs, I say. Just say yes.